


Love Like Fools

by ha5rika



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Bottom Jared, Jealous Jensen, M/M, Pining Jared, Pining Jensen, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-24 22:56:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3787453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ha5rika/pseuds/ha5rika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen had had it all, until he screwed up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Like Fools

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the awesome [Kiri](http://zuccsuitriot-riot.tumblr.com/). Her prompt was:  
> "I just wanna read a non-au (or au idc) j2 fic of jared telling jensen he loves him but jensen’s just like “dude I love you too we’re best friends” knowing what jared meant and even feeling the same!!!!!! but he friendzones him hard and it hurts them both but he’s scared it would ruin their epic friendship. so an indefinite amount of time goes by and jared finds another dude (bonus points if it’s stephen amell) and I just want pining!jealous!possessive jensen ok losing his mind watching whoever touch HIS jared"
> 
> Un-betaed so forgive any mistakes you might find.

 

_What if we ruin it all, and we love like fools?_

_And all we have, we lose?_

_I don’t want you to go but I want you so_

_Tell me what we choose._

_\- Lauren Aquilina, Fools_

 

Jared was a man of many abilities. He could make Jensen’s world ten times brighter by simply turning his dimples in his direction. He could make a gloomy day better by swinging an arm around Jensen and saying _let’s go get a beer._ He could make Jensen feel like he was holding the world in his arms every time he hugged Jensen. He could also bring Jensen’s world to a grinding halt with seven simple words.

 

_Jensen_

_Hm?_

_I think I’m in love with you_.

 

The foot presses hard on the brakes, tyres screeching as the rubber burns.

Jensen’s throat dries up. His heart hammers in his chest and he is tongue tied like he hasn’t been since his first day with the debate club when he was 14. Moments tick and he knows Jared is waiting for an answer. But he’s standing on a precipice and he’s been asked to take a leap of faith. He’s scared to jump.

 

_Yeah, man. You know I love you too. You’re my best friend._

 

A car crash in slow motion. Glass shattering, bones snapping and blood splattering everywhere.

Jared had always worn his heart on his sleeve. Jensen watches with a mixture of fascination and horror as Jared’s eyes widen, his mouth opens like he’s about to say something and nothing comes out. His eyes drop to the floor between them; his mouth turns down, bottom lip quivering almost imperceptibly. Then he nods once and he looks up again, trying his best to not meet Jensen’s eyes. His mouth twists into a sad parody of a smile and Jensen wishes he’d crumble to dust and blow away so he doesn’t see this.

 

_I know you do. So, uh… I got some lines to run. I’ll, uh, see you later. ‘kay?_

 

Jared doesn’t wait for the answer. Just gets to his feet and leaves. Jensen lets him go and concentrates on stopping his eyes from getting wet.

All that’s left now was the echo of laughter and wreckage that’s beyond recovery.

*

The set is a gloomy place for the next few weeks. Like there’s a cloud of despair hanging over everyone’s heads.

They always told the fans that Jared and Jensen had taken the responsibility of keeping the spirits high on the set after long days of work pretty early on. But in reality, it was usually Jared who shouldered the burden. Jensen just fed off Jared’s limitless energy and in turn Jared got a co-conspirator whenever he needed him.

Now that Jared was no longer his goofy, playful puppy self Jensen doesn’t know what he is supposed to do.

“Cut!” Phil says for the fifth time. The tired director runs a hand down his face. “Alright everyone, let’s take five and then start the scene again.”

Jared gets off the fake motel bed and starts heading towards his trailer without uttering a word to anyone. His shoulders are hunched and his hands are stuffed into his pockets. It’s remarkable how such a tall guy like Jared can seem to shrink in on himself. Jensen wants to call Jared back or go after him but by now he knows that his actions would be futile.

Jensen moves to head back to his trailer but Phil’s hand on his shoulder stops him. Jensen turns around to face the tired director, expecting anger or reprimand but all he sees is concern.

“Jensen, are you and Jared okay?”

Jensen bristles. “Yeah, why would you think otherwise?” he asks sharply, wincing at how defensive he sounds.

Phil looks nervous. “I don’t mean to pry Jensen, but even a blind man can see the tension between the two of you.” Phil takes a deep breath and carefully says, “Whatever it is, sort it out. It’s screwing with the filming. You have 15 minutes.” With that Phil walks away, leaving Jensen feeling vaguely like he had just been to the principal’s office.

Jensen finds Jared in his trailer, lying on his back on the ridiculously long custom made couch, with a hand on his forehead. He hadn’t noticed Jensen’s arrival. Jensen clears his throat – not too loud, he doesn’t want to startle Jared – and Jared bolts up right, eyes wild like a cornered animal. Jensen opens his mouth and shuts it after a couple of failed attempts at talking. Talking to Jared had always been as easy as breathing but now Jensen couldn’t even find a single word to say to him. It’s like an unmovable weight on his chest.

He looks away from Jared’s face, his eyes landing on the playstation in the trailer. He and Jared had spent countless hours between takes fighting Nazi zombies, going back to set with an assurance that they made the world a tiny bit better by shooting down the mutated spiders. The minifridge in the trailer wasn’t just stocked with the frozen yoghurt that Jared loved so much but also the skimmed milk that Jensen preferred in his coffee. The cupboard that Jared hid his secret candy stash in was open which meant that Jared had turned to his favorite comfort food to keep him going.

There were Jensen’s dirty socks balled up in a corner and one of Dean’s shirts draped carelessly over a chair and the book that he was reading was still on the coffee table, upturned and its spine cracked, from where he left it weeks ago and… and Jared was supposed to be his best friend, damnit!

“I can’t lose you, Jay,” Jensen blurts out in a cracked voice and he has to shut his eyes tight because he’s fighting tears now.

He takes a deep breath and looks up to meet Jared’s eyes. He finds them blank, staring right through his soul. Jensen wants to chicken out. _Again_. But he knows that if he does that now, he will lose his best friend, forever.

“I can’t lose you, man. You are my best friend and I, I know you are hurting. I do. But I can’t let this ruin our friendship. I can’t let it ruin _us_. I don’t know what to do here. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. I’ll do anything to make this right.”

That’s what Jensen says but what he means is _give me another chance, Jared, I’ll make the right choice this time._

Dean Winchester has got nothing on Jensen Ackles and his lack of communication skills.

Jared’s eyes are no longer blank now. Just sad and broken. Jared moves his feet off the couch and makes space for Jensen. Jensen takes the invitation and sits in silence, for what feels like an eternity, waiting for Jared to say something, _anything_.

“I’m sorry,” Jared says finally, his voice nothing more than a rasp. “I’ve been a pain in the ass the past few weeks, huh?”

“It’s not your fault,” Jensen says.

“It’s not yours either,” Jared says, looking at Jensen. He sound sincere, like he believes it but it is Jensen’s fault. All of it is.

“I never meant to hurt you, Jared,” Jensen says. It feels stupid saying it, like apologizing to a broken cup, but he needs to say it.

“I know you didn’t.” Jared sighs. “I just need some time, Jensen. Please.”

Jensen nods, heart in his throat. “As long as you need.”

“Thanks. That’s all you can do for me right now. I just need to sort out my head, that’s all. I’ll be fine eventually.” Jensen can see that Jared doesn’t believe a word he’s saying but there’s nothing Jensen can do. He just nods.

A sharp knock on the door startles the men. “You are needed on set in 5, guys,” a PA says before they hear retreating steps, leaving only silence behind.

Jared is the first to break the deafening quiet. “Let’s go kick it in the ass,” he says with a smile that is more genuine than anything Jensen has seen in the last few days. Jensen returns it without thought and follows Jared out of the trailer.

*

Jensen was 5 when he got his first kiss. He was in pre-school and a girl kissed him on the cheek. Unsure of what to do, Jensen did what he saw people do in the movies – he grabbed the girl’s face with both his chubby little hands and kissed her straight on the mouth. The girl took off screaming as soon as Jensen let her breath and Jensen had gotten suspended for his efforts.

He never considered that to be his first kiss. He didn’t even remember the girl’s name, just that she had brown hair. He seems to have a thing for people with brown hair.

His first kiss was Rosie McLaren. She was a sophomore and Jensen was a freshman. She had cornered him when he was leaving science class and just slanted her soft, strawberry flavored lips on Jensen’s. The kiss lasted for a couple of seconds at the most and then she was gone, leaving Jensen blushing furiously and feeling his lips for the phantom sensation of her mouth.

The relationship had lasted for a couple of years, ending in screamed curses and broken things when Jensen found her fooling around with a college junior.

Jensen kissed a boy for the first time when he was a senior in high school. Jensen had known Brandon since middle school and the boys became best friends over their mutual love for basketball and their experiences with big brothers who thought they were now too cool to play with their little brothers. So when Brandon kissed him shyly after he had broken up with Rosie, Jensen kissed back. He had thought it would feel weird but it had felt right.

As the school year was drawing to a close Jensen made many plans in his head about how he and Brandon would go to UT and how they could always be together. He could study sports medicine and Brandon could be the star basketball player. They’d make the perfect couple. Brandon pretty much had the same plans but his version of the future was a tiny bit different. He didn’t want to hide.

Brandon’s parents were quite accepting when their son told them that he was gay and so was most of the basketball team. Just because it was Texas, it didn’t mean that people were assholes. Sure, there were the occasional homophobes but they didn’t matter much. Brandon wanted Jensen to take the same step. He wanted Jensen to love him enough to come out to his friends and family. Maybe it was Jensen’s fault that he didn’t but ultimately they broke up.

Jensen’s parents were religious. They went to Sunday Mass, his mother kept a copy of the Bible by her bedside and his father said grace at dinner every night. Jensen came out to them as bisexual just a few weeks before graduation. Bad move. Naturally there was screaming and calls to Jesus but his parents came around faster than Jensen could have hoped for. On the day before graduation Jensen’s father sat him down and told him, _Son, I won’t lie to you. This has been quite a shock to all of us and it will take some time to getting used to. But I want you to know that no matter what happens, who you choose to love, we will always love you._

In the end everything turned out well but all Jensen could think about was the few weeks in between when he was sure that his parents would disown him. He needed his best friend the most at that time and he didn’t have him. If only he hadn’t kissed back, maybe he would have.

*

Katie Cassidy introduces Stephen Amell to Jared at a network party. And that’s when Jensen’s decision to friend-zone Jared really comes to bite him in the ass.

“Jared! Jensen!”

“Ruby!” Jared greets.

Katie smacks him on the arm. “It got old 3 seasons ago, asshat.”

“Hey, Katie Kat,” Jensen says.

“Hello Jenny Bean. How’s the seventh season coming along?”

“We’ll have the official announcement before the party ends but we are a go,” Jensen tells her. “What about you? Heard you were going to be the new Louis Lane.”

“I’ll let you know that my character is more than a superhero’s arm candy. She’s a superhero in her own right, you know?”

“Oh really?” Jared says. “Does that mean we get to see you in tights that show off your boobs?”

“Mmmm… Not for a couple of seasons at least, sorry.” Jared makes a sound of disappointment and Jensen laughs. “But not to worry,” Katie continues. “I got something else in tights for you to ogle over.”

“Oh, and what’s that?”

Katie smirks. “Stephen Amell.”

“Stefan who?” Jensen asks. He already has a bad feeling in his gut about this.

“ _Stephen Amell._ The hottest superhero in town,” Katie beckons someone behind Jensen. “Hot as hell, cute like a kitty and he plays for your team too, Jared. Consider this an early birthday gift from me.”

There’s movement behind Jensen and suddenly there’s a guy standing next to him. “Stephen, meet Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki.”

“I’ve always wanted to meet Sam and Dean Winchester in person! Hi, Stephen Amell,” he says extending his hand towards Jensen. After Jensen shakes it wordlessly he moves to Jared and Jensen _knows_ that he is fucked.

Jared’s got a slight blush on his cheeks and he hasn’t even had a drink yet. He’s staring at Stephen like he’s seeing his high school crush up close for the first time. Stephen’s no better. The guy is practically eye fucking Jared and Jensen would tell them to get a room if it weren’t for how much he doesn’t want Stephen and Jared to get a room.

“Wow! You are taller in person… and prettier,” Stephen says and Jared ducks his head, hiding his face under his floppy hair.

Katie elbows him discreetly. She’s got a smug smile on her face. “Maybe we should leave these two alone,” she whispers.

Jensen barely stops himself from groaning out loud. He just got bitten in the ass. _Hard_.

*

Arrow and Supernatural were shot in the same studio, their sets practically next to each other. This meant that Stephen Amell became a constant presence in their lives and a major pain in Jensen’s ass when filming started up again.

He and Jared had spent the summer apart, having only seen each other at network parties, promotional events and fan conventions. Jared had wanted some time and space and Jensen had given it to him. When they got back Jared was almost back to his old self. Almost. Jared was distant towards Jensen, physically at least. Jensen figured that Jared might need some more time to not feel awkward every time he climbed Jensen like a tree the way he used to.

But then there was Amell.

Jared had never been shy about getting into other people’s personal spaces so Jensen didn’t think anything of it at first. When Jared started hugging Stephen too tight and when he made kissy faces at the guy, Jensen chalked it up to Jared being just Jared. After all, all those lingering back pats and arms around each other’s shoulders didn’t have to mean anything. Jared was like that with everyone.

Jensen was right, but not quite.

He realized how different Jared was with him only after he had lost it all. Jared’s hugs didn’t just last longer with Jensen, he practically melted into Jensen’s arms, his tall frame curling in to fit Jensen’s. He didn’t stand close to Jensen, he stood _with_ Jensen, like an extension of his own body. Then there were the tiny pats on the arm, touches to the chest, shoulders and knees bumping, the warm weight of Jared’s palm on his back – stuff that conveyed more than simple words ever could.

Jensen had had it all, until he screwed up.

He hadn’t figured out that something was up with Jared and Stephen until Jared asked him to sign the season 6 DVD box for Stephen. That in itself didn’t clue Jensen into anything. What did was the fact that Jared had insisted on delivering the box to Stephen personally. Jared had left the set that day when the shoot was over and had apparently told his driver to not wait up.

Jensen thought this meant that Jared would be riding with him. Stupid thing to assume, since Jared hadn’t said anything of the sorts – Jared didn’t say anything of the sorts to Jensen these days – so it was no one but Jensen’s fault that he waited in the set parking lot for 3 hours.

When Jensen called Jared, it went straight to voicemail and Jensen didn’t leave a message. Jensen got into his car, turned the heater on full blast, put on the radio to drown out the silence  that has become his constant companion and drove off. He told himself that the tears building in his eyes were just because he was cold, hungry and frustrated. That’s all.

Yeah, he wasn’t fooling anyone, least of all himself.

*

Jensen’s mamma always told him he didn’t learn how to share in pre-school. She was right.

“Truth or dare,” Katie asks.

Amell scoffs. “Dare, of course.”

Katie gets a wild glint in her eyes. “Kiss Jared.”

Amell is on his feet in a heartbeat, heading towards Jared. The combined Arrow and Supernatural crew holler and cheer. Everyone but, Jensen. Jensen just wants to trip Amell like every unimaginative bully from the 80s. Unfortunately Amell makes it to Jared without the need of a stretcher and Jared is watching him with wide eyes. Jared doesn’t move away when Stephen grabs his face and kisses him smack on the lips.

The crowd goes bonkers and the noise is deafening. It all fades into a dull background buzzing in Jensen’s ears and his hand tightens around his beer bottle. Thankfully Amell doesn’t use tongue, doesn’t even pretend to kiss Jared for real. If he had Jensen might have lost his lunch or better yet, punched Amell’s face but thankfully he doesn’t.

When he’s done Jared is still wide eyed and his hands are on his chest, like a virgin trying to protect her virtue, but his lips are upturned at the corners, dimples peeking out shyly. Amell throws his hands up and does a victory cry, which is such a stupid thing to do in Jensen’s honest opinion.

The game continues and Amell drags Jared to the table to play. The two of them laugh and crack jokes at the expense of others. Jensen sits on the sidelines, like that guy who everyone hates to invite to a party because he poops on everyone’s fun, and tries not to shatter his bottle with the knuckle white grip he’s got on it.

Jensen wants to storm over and remind Jared that they have a shoot tomorrow but he holds back because Jared’s laughing and having fun – something he hasn’t done in ages, certainly not with Jensen around. The realization that this is the first time he’s seen Jared laugh so openly in a long time and that it wasn’t him who’s making Jared laugh like that makes Jensen’s chest tighten.

Even back in season 1 Jensen had this stupid desire to steal every single one of Jared’s smiles and keep them for himself. He got jealous when those dimples were turned towards anyone that wasn’t him and he hated it when he wasn’t the reason Jared was laughing. It was immature and a very impractical thing to want, not to mention selfish but even back then Jensen was a goner.

He wanted to keep Jared all to himself and seven years later that hadn’t changed, the desire only having intensified ten times more.

After another half hour passes and just as Jensen is getting ready to swap his almost empty beer for another one, Stephen Amell plops down onto the couch in front of Jensen.

The actors stare at each other in silence for a few moments – well Stephen stares at Jensen as if he’s expecting something, Jensen tries to stare Stephen _down_ – before Amell talks. “So…” he scratches the back of his neck. “Me and Jared…”

“I know.”

Stephen nods, looking at Jensen expectantly. “So you’re not going to give me the ‘hurt my best friend and I hurt you’ speech? Come on, man, let’s get this over with, the wait’s making me nervous.”

Jensen did have a speech prepared but it wasn’t the _hurt my best friend and I break your nose_ speech. It was the _get your grabby hands away from my boy or I break your face_ speech. He figured Jared wouldn’t be too happy with him if he delivered it.

Jensen leans in, putting on his best _Pissed Off Dean Winchester_ face. “I’m going to ask this once Amell. What’s your play here? What are you doing with Jared?”

Amell takes a double take. “Wow! That hurts my feelings, dude!” he says and he actually looks hurt for a moment before his expression turns into that of an alpha defending his territory. “I’m with Jared because I really like him. Now let me ask you something, _Ackles._ What’s your play here? Trying to reclaim what you lost? Wait, let me get that right – what you _gave up_?”

Jensen narrows his eyes. “I don’t care what you think I’m playing at, kid but let me tell you something. You’re way out of your league here. I’ve known Jared for seven years and counting. You are here today, you’ll be gone tomorrow. I’m the one that stays.”

“Don’t be so sure of that, Ackles.”

“Why shouldn’t I be? I mean, what have you got except a six pack and the ability to never have your shirt on?”

“A lovable personality,” Stephen says, “which is more than I can say for you. And there’s something else that I have and you don’t.” Stephen smiles, looking at something behind Jensen and a moment later Jensen knows what it is.

“What’re you guys talking about?” Jared asks as he comes to stand next to Stephen.

“Oh, nothing. We were just having a dick measuring contest,” Stephen says and Jared looks adorably confused.

“Yeah, and Robin Hood here was losing,” Jensen says.

“Whatever you say, Ghostbuster,” Stephen says, smirking at Jensen, right before he kisses Jared. The kiss only lasts for a few seconds but Stephen puts on a show. “Let’s go see if we can find me some more beer, shall we?” he says and pulls Jared away with him, disappearing into the crowd.

Jensen wants to punch Amell’s smug face in, maybe even break a few bones. He wants to push the guy away and put his own hand around Jared’s waist. He wants to erase all traces of Amell claim Jared all for himself, kiss him, mark him up, bruise him so everyone knows who Jared belongs to. He wants to fuck Jared up, make him forget everything other name but Jensen’s, make his scream Jensen’s name. He wants to do all that and so much more.

But he doesn’t. Jensen finishes his beer and leaves the party early.

*

 _Awesome news. @jarpad and I made it official_.

Misha had shown Jensen the tweet a couple of hours ago and Jensen still can’t stop glaring daggers at it. He is gritting his teeth so hard he’s afraid he’ll break them. A PA who was approaching him takes one look at his face and abruptly turns around and walks away twice as fast. Wise move. He doesn’t think he’ll be nice towards anyone who talks to him right now.

Jensen would say he has a good reason to be pissed off. Here he was, stuck on the set, shooting the same scene over and over again because the rain keeps interrupting them and Jared was off with _Stephen_ , having fun and making it ‘official’. Jensen wants to kill someone. Preferably Stephen Amell.

Jared looks drunk in the picture, his cheeks slightly flushed and his body loose and relaxed. He’s got an arm slung over Amell’s shoulder while Amell’s got his lips planted firmly on Jared’s cheek. It’s a chaste kiss, the fans will probably think that those two were goofing around – like they seem to be doing a lot lately – on twitter. But Jensen knows. He knows that while this kiss might be chaste there are many more that aren’t and even thinking of Amell’s lips on Jared makes him want to puke. It makes him want to pull Amell away through his iPhone screen and make him watch as he kissed Jared so that he knew who Jared belonged to.

Instead he dials Jared’s number. It rings and rings and rings.

_‘ello?_

Stephen’s voice is slurred and raspy.

_Stephen, c’mon._

Jared’s voice sounds drunk, fucked out and desperate.

Jensen disconnects the call.

*

The saddest thing is, he could have had it all. It could have been Jensen’s lips on Jared, Jensen’s arm around his waist. He could have had Jared smiling at him like he had hung the moon. The little smile Jared gets every time he read a text from Amell, the coy flirting on Twitter, the shy smiles and easy kisses could have all been for him. But of course, like everything in his life, Jensen just had to go and screw it up.

Now he was watching Jared from behind a glass, just out of reach and yet so unreachable, as he made a life without Jensen. A life with Stephen Amell. And Jensen couldn’t even fault Amell for that, not really. Jared was the most amazing person in the world and Stephen was just brave enough to go after him when Jensen wasn’t.

Every time Amell touched Jared and Jared touched back, something in Jensen died. So here he was, standing outside in the Vancouver cold while everyone was partying inside Jared’s house. Jensen’s breath fogged up when he breathed, it was snowing lightly and Jensen didn’t even have his fucking coat on. This was still better than watching Jared making heart eyes at Amell.

Pulling out a pack from his pocket, Jensen lit up a cigarette. He hadn’t smoked in almost 4 years, having given up smoking when he had moved in with Jared. It was in this very same house that Jensen had established an almost domestic life with Jared. Even back then, Jensen had run when things got too intense and comfortable for his liking. He wondered what it would have been like if he had stayed.

He hears the backdoor of the house slide open and then close, letting out the buzz of the party into the night air for a moment before leaving them in silence again, big hands rubbing together and an adorable little _Brrr._ Even without having to turn around Jensen knows its Jared.

“Jen, what are doing out here in the cold?” Jared says. Jensen could hear Jared moving towards him and _shit_! Jensen throws the cigarette into the wet ground below and stomps on it as discreetly as possible so that Jared couldn’t see it.

“Jen?”

“Yeah?” Jensen turns around to look at Jared.

“Come inside.”

“In a minute,” Jensen says.

Jared doesn’t leave immediately like Jensen had expected him to. Instead he considers Jensen carefully, his face unreadable.

“Jen, are you okay?”

“Peachy.” Dean Winchester’s cocky smile makes an appearance but Jared isn’t fooled. He takes a little sniff and his eyes widen.

“Have you been smoking?” Jared asks, disbelief coloring his voice. Jensen can’t answer so he looks away. “Jensen what’s going on with you?” Jared asks, clearly concerned as he steps up to Jensen and ducks his head to catch Jensen’s eye. “Talk to me,” he says, putting a hand on Jensen’s shoulder.

Jensen shrugs it off and feels like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum but he can’t seem to control his words or actions right now. His mind is spinning and he’s been slowly but surely going crazy while watching Jared and Stephen together. Not to mention that he was slightly drunk. He figures he should get one chance to break the calm, cool, collected persona he puts on for the public. Be crazy and impulsive and make reckless decisions. He’ll probably regret this in the morning but at this point there isn’t much that Jensen doesn’t regret.

“Dude, whatever’s bothering you, talk to me about it. Let me help,” Jared says, not undeterred by Jensen’s behavior. “Jensen, what’s going on?”

“You! You are what’s going on,” Jensen spits out. “You and fucking _Amell._ ”

Jared frowns. “What do you mean?”

Jensen explodes. “Seriously? How can you not know what I mean? How can you not see that every time you and Stephen fucking Amell make lovey dovey eyes it makes me want to puke. Every time you brush me off for him it makes me want to kill somebody. Just seeing you with him makes my blood boil.”

“What the hell, Jensen?” Jared’s screaming now too and everyone is watching but Jensen doesn’t care. “Why do you care what I do and who I do it with? Is it because Stephen’s a guy?”

“Jesus, no! You know I’m not like that. That isn’t what this is about!”

“Then what is it about?” Jared throws his hands up in anger. His face is flushed from the cold, the wispy ends of his hair stick to his face and his eyes are burning with fire. Jared looks so goddamn beautiful that Jensen wants to kiss him and never let go.

“I’m in love with you, all right?” The moment Jensen says those words his chest feels a million times lighter and it’s like taking his first breath after being under water for so long. It feels heady and desperate. “I’m in love with you. And I’m talking about crazy, head-over-heels, wanna-hold-your-hand-and-walk-into-heaven-or-hell-fire-with-you kind of love. And it’s driving me crazy.”

When Jensen looks at Jared’s face, he expects to find tears, anger, joy, _anything_. What he finds in a blank mask and he hysterically thinks _why didn’t Jared get an Emmy for playing soulless Sam?_

“That’s not what you said a year ago,” Jared says, his voice devoid of any emotion. His face is expressionless like that of a perfect mannequin, like Jared isn’t Jensen’s living, walking, breathing _soul_. And Jensen couldn’t have that.

He takes two quick steps until he is standing right before Jared and takes his hand. When he speaks his voice is barely more than a whisper, tears choking up his throat and clogging the words. “I fucked up, Jay. I know that. I fucked up real bad. I wanted you so bad for as long as I’ve known you. You are the best thing that’s happened to me and I love you more than anything in this goddamned world. I’ve never felt this way about anyone and that scares the shit out of me.

I was just, I was scared that if we get together I’d do something stupid and fuck things up and I’d lose you forever. I couldn’t have that. I was so scared to lose you that I pushed you away. I thought that being your friend would be enough but I ended up ruining everything, didn’t I? I knew it was hurting you and believe me I wasn’t any better. Every morning I woke up and I thought, I’ll do it today but, but I was so scared, Jay.

And then Amell came along and I had lost you, in every way. I thought I could just, you know, move on, let you be happy. You deserve to be happy Jared, but I’m a selfish bastard and I can’t stand the thought of someone else having you.” Jensen takes a deep breath and makes sure he has Jared’s eye before he speaks again. “I love you, Jared. And I know I don’t have any right to ask you this but I’m asking, no _begging_ you for one more chance.”

Jared remains quiet for a long time, not making a move but not pushing Jensen away either. His face remains stoic and unchanging, only his eyes betraying the array of emotions he was going through. The beautiful blue eyes that Jensen loved so much look so sad and heartbroken that it’s like a punch in the ribs. It’s worse than when Jensen turned Jared down.

Making a split second decision, Jensen leans in and slants his lips over Jared’s, feeling the soft lips that he had dreamt so much about for the first time. Jared’s lips are warm despite the cold and they are soft even if a little chapped. Jensen shuts his eyes and savors the feeling, imprinting the kiss into his memory, the touch, the clean smell of the snow and the warmth of Jared’s body so close to his.

He’s glad he did because the next moment Jared is pushing him away, looking betrayed and furious.

“What the hell, Jensen?” he screams.

Jensen struggles to find his balance on the wet ground but he stands his ground and looks at Jared, pleading with his eyes and body. “Jay…”

“Don’t! Don’t call me that.”

“Jared, please.”

“It’s over, Jensen. I’m with Stephen now.”

“Jared,” that’s all that Jensen seemed to make past the lump in Jensen’s throat.

Jared looks at him with tears in his eyes. “You should go Jensen.”

And Jensen does.

*

Jensen’s house is empty when he gets home, like it always is. He doesn’t bother turning on the lights, just heads into his room and steps into the shower fully clothed. When his skin starts pruning he gets out and changes into dry clothes. He doesn’t bother turning on the heat, grits his teeth and rides out the shivers.

He opens a bottle of the strong stuff and pours himself a glass, turns on the TV. He doesn’t put in a DVD because all of those movies were the ones that he and Jared had watched together and right now he couldn’t think about anything Jared-related. He settles on a stupid action flick that he doesn’t even know the name of and watches as stuff gets blown up with the volume muted.

When the silence gets too much, his mind starts wandering. And when his mind starts wandering Jensen starts thinking about how he had managed to royally fuck up the one good thing in his life, how Jared won’t even want to be his friend anymore and… no, Jensen is not going to think about that. So he turns on the radio, tuning into an obscure rock station.

When Burning In The Skies by Linkin Park starts playing up, Jensen starts laughing hysterically.

_I'm swimming in the smoke_

_Of bridges I have burned_

_So don't apologize_

_I'm losing what I don't deserve_

_The blame is mine alone_

_For bridges I have burned_

_So don't apologize_

_I'm losing what I don't deserve_

The radio flies away when Jensen hits it, smashing into pieces on hitting the far wall. Fuck Linkin Park anyway.

*

At some point in the night Jensen falls asleep on the living room couch. He only wakes up when he hears someone opening the front door of his house.

Sitting upright, all traces of sleep gone from his mind, Jensen starts groping around for his mobile phone. He curses under his breath when realizes that his phone must be in the pants he was wearing earlier when he went to Jared’s house – the pants that were now lying in the master bathroom, soiled and dirty.

But before Jensen can panic, he hears the voice. “Jensen?”

Jensen gets off the couch and meets Jared halfway in. “Jared?” he asks. Jensen is now half-convinced that he is having an extremely vivid dream, probably drug induced, but finds himself not caring.

“Did you mean what you said?” Jared asks. Jensen can’t see Jared in the darkness but he sounds like he had been crying. He hates himself because he knows that he was the reason for Jared’s tears and that was the last thing Jensen ever wanted to be.

“Every word,” Jensen says. His voice is cracked from the cold and the crying.

“You have to be sure of it Jensen because,” Jared rubs a hand across his cheeks and Jensen realizes that he’s crying now. “Because I can’t do this anymore. This dancing around you, back and forth, I can’t do that anymore. It’s killing me. One moment you talk like you’re in love with me, look at me like I’m your whole world, move in with me and d-do all that stuff that only couples do. The next you are flirting with some PA or a girl at the bar and you brush me off so easily, I just –”

Jared breaks off on a sob and Jensen’s heart breaks a little more. He wants to pull Jared into his arms, apologize for all the shit he’s done and promise to never, ever hurt Jared again. But he holds back, knowing that Jared isn’t finished talking.

“I thought I could move past you when you told me that you didn’t love me. It was so difficult but I tried. It got easier when Stephen came along and I was happy. I was _trying_ to be happy. Now you tell me that you’ve loved me all along? What am I supposed to do with that, Jensen? What am I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know,” Jensen says. “I don’t deserve to tell you what you are supposed to do, Jay. But what I would hope you did was to give me another chance.”

Jared sniffs, his eyes shining even in the dark. His shoulders slump and he looks like he wants to fold in on himself, swaying slightly in the air. Jensen just couldn’t stand there anymore and do nothing while Jared suffers so he quickly grabs Jared and pulls him in, holding him close to his chest.

“I’m so sorry, Jared,” Jensen whispers into Jared’s hair, unable to stop his own tears anymore. Jesus Chirst! What a mess has he landed them both into?

“If I- If I do that, if I give you another chance, you promise not to pull away from me when you get scared?” Jared asks, sounding scared himself.

“I promise,” Jensen says. “If you give me a chance I promise I’ll do right by you. I’ll do my best to be what you deserve.”

Jared pulls back to look at Jensen. “What I deserve is for you to love me enough to not be afraid,” he says, his eyes almost pleading.

“I can do that,” Jensen promises.

Jared nods, his lips curling into a tiny smile. “Then I can give you another chance.”

“What about Amell?”

“Stephen and I are over. He’s the one who drove me here actually.”

Jensen’s eyes widen and on instinct he looks behind Jared to see if Stephen is there. Jared lets out a tiny, beautiful laugh. “He’s not here, silly. Figured he wouldn’t want to stick around for what comes next.”

Jensen smiles so hard, his jaw hurts. “And what comes next?”

Jared simply smiles wider and leans in.

When Jared kisses him, Jensen kisses back. And Jensen just knows that no matter what happens, he’ll never regret this kiss.

*

Jared was a man of many abilities. He could make Jensen’s heart skip a beat with a simple kiss. He could make Jensen feel like the luckiest man alive every time he lay on the bed next to him. He could make Jensen forget his fears and just want to live by simply existing. He could also take Jensen to the peak of ecstasy with three simple words.

 

_Jensen?_

_Yeah?_

_I love you._

 

Hips stutter and hands claw at backs as they try to drag the moment a little longer.

Jensen gasps, his throat dry and his lungs burning as he drives deeper into Jared. Jared is tight and hot around him. He is covered in sweat and come from their previous round and it makes him shiver as they cool down on his skin in the chill Vancouver air. Jensen can feel his orgasm moments away but he drags it out, wants to drown in this moment until he can’t breathe anymore. He can feel the edge of the cliff and he’s ready to go over, but not quite yet.

 

_I love you too, Jay. So much. Fuck, baby._

 

Worshipping each other’s bodies. Neurons fire, skin lights up and sweat trickles down.

Jared’s cheeks are flushed, his pink mouth bitten raw. His eyes are blown, with only a trickle of color in them, pools of dark that Jensen would love to lose himself in. His fingers tangle themselves in Jensen’s hair and he pulls Jensen is, tongue diving in for a kiss. They kiss urgently, bodies rocking together and hearts beating in sync, loving each other with their bodies. Jared breathes out Jensen’s name when their lips part and Jensen knows he would do anything to hear Jared say his name like that.

 

_Yeah… come for me, Jared. Wanna see you fall apart for me._

 

And Jared does, moaning Jensen’s name and pulling Jensen’s orgasm with him. They lay together, bodies still connected, panting into each other’s mouths, foreheads touching.

All that’s left now are sticky sheets and two hearts full of love.

*

_fin_

**Author's Note:**

> Also posted at [my tumblr](http://hafireika.tumblr.com/post/116899511187/zuccsuitriot-riot-i-just-wanna-read-a-non-au).


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